Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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