low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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