Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
