It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
FUCK WHALES
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
