Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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