You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
