she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
