so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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