someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
