So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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