I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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