When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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