Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
