Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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