Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
