They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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