he thought i was a dude.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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