if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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