after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
