3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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