Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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