I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
