After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
