Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
