I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
