I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
