Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
