Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
zippers are such a cool invention
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
