you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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