oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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