i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
