you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
she told me i tasted like america
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
