First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
