Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
