hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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