Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
