Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize