I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
