She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
