Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
