my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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