So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
last night I used snow as a chaser
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
