I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
