i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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