Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
