She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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