Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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