I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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