I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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