ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Randomize
