Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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