i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
