i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
