Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
