I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
