i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
