if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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