I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
