just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
